Uber: Neelie Cruise’s mail to Angela Murkel intercepted.

EXCLUSIVE : An ex-NSA officer presently living in Moscow has intercepted an email sent by Neelie Cruise to Angela Murkel after a Berlin court had declared the Uber-system illegal in the German city. To show how consequent Neelie Cruise is, my übersatirical team has put the sentences that also appeared in her article about Brussels in bold.

Dear Angela,

What the fuck, Angie ? Don’t you have any power anymore ? How could you let the German justice rule Uber out of Berlin ? I’m outraged, I’m angry, i’m madly disappointed by your stupid respect of the Separation of Powers ! Democracy has its advantages all right, but when neoliberalism produces an app like Uber, you should tell your judges to fucking adapt ! Let google make money. Stop protecting German or even European businesses. I myself have been in over 40 companies’ boards — mostly Americans — and I can assure you that neoliberalism is a bloody good fucking way to make the rich richer, and don’t you see the great irony of it here ? Having citizens, who probably vote for Socialists or Greens, getting wildly enthusiast to use a service that makes a US company win power in every single city in the world, paying drivers much less, avoiding licenses and other stupid fees that tend to bloody regulate the market,  then laundering the good money in Delaware ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! 

Frankly, what kind of legal system is that of Germany, when new mavericks cannot even try to pirate a complete industry ? You are stuck in the Middle Ages, darling ! Get out of it ! Be modern ! Be fun ! Be Uber !

I am terribly disappointed also by the fact that you did nothing to avoid making my aggressive blog article against Brussels’ regional minister Brigitte Grouwels ridiculous ! While she (and you now) is protecting a taxi cartel that has become as dangerous as a drug cartel ! Is it acceptable for taxi drivers to have a union protecting their economic interests ? No ! The only acceptable union are those of worldwide companies and startups that will rule the world tomorrow (I can introduce you to people who would certainly offer you a seat in several multinationals’ boards in case you are not re-elected eternally like Putin — think about your future, Murkel !)

You might think I am being aggressive here, but look : unlike my reaction about banning Uber in Brussels, I haven’t made a public blog article inciting people to send you angry mails and tweets, Angie ! All right, you could still argue that you are far too powerful for me to dare to attack you openly, and you will be right. Brigitte Grouwels is a ridiculous little minister of a ridiculously tiny city in a ridiculous country (even their Prime Minister has not dared responding to my abusive use of power hahaha). But nevertheless, I did not attack you in public, which also shows that I do believe in your trust in big money and that I am convinced that you will summon that stupid judge and tell him to withdraw his ruling. If he does not, put him in prison for whatever reason, or are you afraid that Berlin taxis would block your capital city during weeks ? Well, if they do, why don’t you reintroduce the death penalty, Murkel ? It’s not about democracy, here : it’s the economy, stupid !  

Look, I’m not saying that Uber drivers should not pay taxes, follow rules, and protect consumers. I’m just saying : if they don’t, so what ? They won’t be the first to cheat, hey ! And that will show how much they are willing to conquer the market at any price, which is good of course for the economy. Look at East Congo ! No rules, murder, rape, and still some people are making a lot of money — and the Congolese economy grew last year again, even yours did not ! And if you really want to bloody regulate, reduce your regulation to almost zero so that Uber taxis can adapt ! It’s that simple to be modern, Angela !

I warn you, Angie. Me and my staff often visit Berlin. Because I am not just a European Commissioner, I am also a European citizen who travels to European cities, thus also in Berlin. So if you do not put your stupid old fashioned judges in jail now, I will feel badly discriminated and (ab)use my position as a well-known Commissioner to make the Financial Times publish radical pro-Uber and anti-Berlin articles, as they did with Brussels (they were not violent enough though — bloody journalists —, but the combat is just beginning). 

And do not the suspect me to have a personal favor for Uber: Indeed, I’ve met the founders and investors in Uber and they are really cool ! They offered me a drink and showed me their numbers. Did you know these people raised over 250 million dollars to conquer the worldwide taxi industry and force thousands of taxi drivers to work for less in a more competitive world where anyone will be able to offer to drive anyone else in their private car if only they pay a fee to the developers of the Uber app ? Or are you against millionaires, maybe ?

You are warned, Angela : if you do not step in the Uber-era, my staff will not come to Germany anymore. Actually, I doubt that with an antique policy like that, Germany would still be a member of the European Union in five years ! Uber is 100% welcome in Berlin and everywhere else as far as I am concerned, and I am the European Law. You are just a prime minister of a country that does not even represent one fifth of the European population ha ha ha ! Actually, I even ask myself why I did not attack you in public, like little Grouwels. Whatever…

And how is this ban going to work anyway ? Are you going to ask the police to do its job ? To stop cars ? Or even to control drivers ? Or ask for their papers ? Or even, ask them questions ? Don’t tell me you still fine people who do not respect your bloody regulations ? Not in Germany ? Come on, girl, this is the XXIst century ! 

You’d better put the regular taxi drivers behind bars right now, so that they cannot even block the roads to defend their earnings. Actually, they deserve this: take a moment to consider the 23 recent gand-rapes of women by people posing as taxi drivers in Brussels. Clearly, taxi drivers are criminals and sexual assaulters ! While Uber drivers would never do such a thing.

Slamming the door in Uber’s face doesn’t solve anything. It sends a bad anti-tech message about Berlin. While everybody knows that Tech is always great. It is the future. Watch our children playing all day with their iPod Touch. At less than 10 years of age, they’re already well addicted and watching ads without even realizing they are being manipulated ! Watch teenagers being confronted to gang-bangs on their internet, even with web-nanny protection ! You may find it a bad thing if you’re old-fashioned, but look at it this way : if later, they become taxi drivers, they will know how to gang-bang a client nicely and gently. 

Look at these young and less young people who commit suicide because they have been bashed by their whole school or by their colleagues on Facebook during months. Isn’t that a great achievement of technology that brings back natural elimination of the weakest for a stronger economy ? The Greek brought us democracy, alright, but they also gave us the example of Sparta. Open your mind, Angela !

People in Berlin are modern and open, they should have a chance to use modern and open services whatever the cost !

Neelie Cruise
Just a European citizen like any other.